Everything Now

I turned 30 in December 🥳

It was scary but exciting! The 20s are over, that should have been bittersweet cause apparently they’re when you’re supposed to find yourself and figure out what the rest of your life is supposed to be. I did none of that, infact, as the year turned, one thing I had to acknowledge was the fact that I didn’t have a tab on anything. Not my career, not my academics, not love, not myself even, but thank God I had a few thousand “naira” in my account (nothing elaborate, just salary just came in and it was the first few moments of it being a buck 😅). So yeah, saying goodbye to the 20s wasn’t so hard, I was over them.

Now 30!

I had told myself I wasn’t committing to any goals or targets and letting it be a God year, cause all the goals and targets set before had hardly been met and that didn’t do my heart much good. Enter with a blank sheet and hand the pen over to God.

See, I thought that I’d learned to trust God. I thought that at least I was surely dependent on Him and willing to obey and follow. God is good though, and while the last 3 months have been what they’ve been, I have to say, I’ve been exposed to some shocking realities about myself and my relationship with my Father.

I was going to write about a totally different thing when I started out, but I’m here now and I realize something that I’ve had a hard time acknowledging so far. I have trust issues!!!

I know God loves me, most assuredly. Turns out though that I’m too heady to let Him be in my life. I seem to invite Him in just enough that everyone else thinks we’re best friends but really there’s a lot of boundaries. I commit everything into His hand but keep holding on to them regardless. Unfortunately He doesn’t subscribe to that brand of trust, I can either trust Him completely or trust Him as a formality, they have different results.

This is amazing, and thank You Jesus.

Now, if I could get it into my head and mind that we’re going for total surrender I would be so glad. I’m exhausted with worrying about things that I have literally no control over. I surrender 🙌🏼